A few years back I was at Walmart, digging through the $5 movie bin and
found What Dreams May Come. I figured it might be ok. So I went
back to my tiny little apartment and sat in complete stillness enthralled with
the imagery, the acting, and the depth of the message which completely and
utterly took my breath away. That story
had a profound impact on me in one of the toughest times of my life. I was in
transition, in a pretty deep depression. I had faced my own suicidal ideations
on numerous occasions wondering if I would ever have that irreparable irrational
moment of follow through.
I used to be able to describe
depression in a way that would shake your world even if you had never
experienced it. It was about the breathlessness, the powerlessness. About
seeing the world around you in a warped and incredibly scary way. I could’ve
provided the imagery of being anchored to the bottom of a pool with only your
eyes peering over the edge, suffocating, watching and wondering what else was
going to pull the last bit of you under. Depression has a life of its own, and
although for me – its improved dramatically, I still have days where I cant
figure out what the hell I’m doing or why I’m here. I still have days where I
feel like I’m taking up too much space in the world. That I’m inadequate, that
I’m lacking. But I have also come to realize these are misperceptions, not truths.
I understand suicide as a way out of feeling that pitfall. I get it
completely. I understand the choice of suicide or the feeling that you don’t
have a choice. I get it.
So here’s my pep talk to you
(and maybe to me on those tough days), for those that are searching desperately
to see the light, for you on the brink, in the space of aloneness:
Please understand that you are doing the best that you
can, with what the information you have, in this very time and space. Here’s
the truth – we all are. We are all doing the best we can, with what we know, in
this time and space. What if we held a space of compassion for ourselves? Not
out of pity, but out of the fact that we are human and sometimes error helps us
grow. Sometimes we have to be clearly, so very clearly, at the bottom, before
we rise. What if we saw the truth in the stories of all great heroes? That they
typically come from the bottom up. That they too, struggle and over come.
What if we held compassion for others? Not out of ceasing
accountability but out of the understanding that as we have been hurt, we have
likely also been the hurter. Perhaps without malintent, maybe with deep regret,
or maybe to a lesser extreme. Its about understanding, coming out of the
blindness that anger and sadness can bring to truly understand one another.
What if you say to yourself “I could’ve done that too”.
“We can learn to see each other
and see ourselves in each other
and recognize that human beings
are more alike
than we are unalike”
– Maya Angelou
What if we truly understood that all things are temporary? All feelings
are temporary. What if we waited until tomorrow to make that decision? What if
we took things less personally? What if we honored each person as they are? What
if we took that moment to stop covering everything with a bullshit smile and
said I really need your help. I need you to listen. I need you to hug me and
tell me that I’m not as broken as I think I am. What if I told you that in 5
years – this will be the moment you survived? Because of this very moment, you
will be stronger, wiser, and more in alignment with you.
I met with a beautiful friend with a gentle spirit who was teaching me
about Native American Spirituality yesterday. We talked about fire and she set
the reminder that even if fire burns things to the ground, they can always be
rebuilt. Sometimes in the forest, the trees regrow and newness arrives as a
result. That clearing is natural and important in many cases. As we watch things
fade away we have to recognize it as method of helping us find our truth. A reminder that
even things that feel destructive are not going to “end you” unless you give
them permission to.
What if I reminded you that even in those depths of despair you are
never alone. What would it be like to know that there are thousands of people
who feel that very same way, trying to escape it too. What if instead of
beating ourselves up, we just listened. We truly heard the stories of ourselves
and of other people. What would the world looked like if we truly connected to
How about I remind you of the
inherent truth: That we are all here- as a unit – connected by
something so much bigger than we are. That you have an ever abundant light that
shines within you. It’s the same one that takes a big deep breath when you feel
the wind sweep across your skin on a perfect summer day. It’s the way your eyes
light up when you get excited. It’s the warmth you feel when you are in a
position to give back, even if its just to listen, or to remind someone of how
amazing they are. It’s the act of love, both to give and to receive. Its
knowing that our truth is that we are perfect, even when we are a little bit of
a mess. That we are exactly where we need to be, even if it doesn’t look
exactly how we want it to.
I need you to trust. Trust that balance will find you. Trust in the
temporary. Trust in your inner light and inner strength.
Take a moment today to remind someone of their divinity. Take a moment
to highlight the things you love about them. Even the person who looks as if
they don’t need that reminder. Take a moment to share your gratitude
for the way they have impacted your life.
All will be well in the world, as it is intended <3
Special thanks to my sweet friend Arian for saving my day yesterday and sharing her beautiful wisdom with me <3
Posted on Tue, August 12, 2014
by Clarity filed under